Demons--Imagine Dragons

When the days are cold, And the cards all fold

And the saints we see, Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail, And the ones we hail

Are the worst of all, And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you

But with the beast inside, There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed, We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come, This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat, Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close, It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Curtain’s call, Is the last of all

When the lights fade out, All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave, And the masquerade

Will come calling out, At the mess you've made

Don't wanna let you down, But I am hell bound

Though this is all for you, Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed, We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come, This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat, Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close, It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul, I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright, I wanna save that light

I can't escape this now, Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat, Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close, It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Waiting for Superman--Daughtry

She’s watching the taxi driver, he pulls away
She’s been locked up inside her apartment a hundred days

She says, “Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the laundromat washing his cape”
She’s just watching the clouds roll by 

And they spell her name like Lois Lane
And she smiles, oh the way she smiles

She’s talking to angels, counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers, falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, In his arms
Waiting for Superman

She’s out on the corner trying to catch a glimpse
Nothing’s making sense
She’s been chasing an answer
A sign lost in the abyss, this Metropolis

She says...Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the Five and Dime saving the day”
She says...If life was a movie, then it wouldn’t end like this
Left without a kiss
Still, she smiles, the way she smiles, yeah

She’s talking to angels, she’s counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers, she’s falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, In his arms
She’s waiting for Superman

To lift her up and take her anywhere
Show her love and climbing through the air
Save her now before it’s too late tonight
Oh, like a speeding light
She's waiting for Superman

Trapped

I'm falling, falling, falling,

Running running, running,

Frozen in fear, lost in my head,

No escape, no relief, and no end.

Wanting to fly away, 

But shackled to the ground,

The walls are closing in, 

My thoughts are just too loud.

(Journal entry 8/15/2013)

Easy--Rascal Flatts w/ Natasha Bedingfield

We broke up, yeah, it's tough

most guys would've been crushed

Wastin' their time

Wonderin' where they went wrong

No way, not me

Hey, I'm doing just fine

It's easy going out on a Friday night

I'm not afraid of movin' on

Easy every time I see her out

I can smile, live it up

The way a single guy does

But what she, what she don't know

Is how hard it is to make it look so easy

[Natasha Bedingfield]

The truth is, that I miss lyin' in those arms of his

But I don't ever let it show

I laugh and I act like

I'm having the time of my life

as far as he knows

It's easy goin' out on a Friday night

Easy, everytime I see him out

I can smile, live it up

The way a single girl does

But, what he, what he don't know

is how hard it is to make it look so easy

Brave--Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Let Go

Maybe, just maybe, its okay to let go...

Let go of the past, ghosts following me,

Filling my thoughts, haunting my dreams.

Let go of regrets, of guilt and of shame,

Reliving the sorrow, reliving the pain.

Let go of hurt, of fear and blame,

Secrets unspoken, judgments made.

If the past is the past, and the future's unwritten,

Maybe, just maybe, there's room for forgiveness.

This life we live in, it's broken and messy,

The road we walk, it's winding and bumpy.

But if there's beauty in imperfection, 

And its ok to just be me,

Then it's time to let go, time to be free.

(Journal entry 7/19/13)

So Sorry

I'm so sorry.

I've screwed up, I've messed up, let people down,

I'm so sorry.

I've lied to the world and I've lied to myself,

I'm so sorry.

I've sold my body and sold my soul,

I'm so sorry.

I'm dirty and ugly and unworthy of love,

I'm so sorry.

I keep falling and failing and wanna give up,

I'm so sorry.

I'll never be normal, never be okay,

I'm so sorry....

(Journal entry 7/13/13)

A Prayer for Recovery

Jesus,
You gave me this body, help me to respect it and honor it.
You gave me this life, help me to live it fully.
You gave me your body and blood, help me to appreciate spiritual and physical food.
You gave me unconditional love, help me to love myself and accept the love of others.
You gave your life on the cross, help me to place my suffering at the foot of the cross.
You gave forgiveness to all, help me to accept your forgiveness and forgive myself.
You gave me a purpose, help me to follow your will.
Amen.
 (Journal entry 6/1/13)

A New Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the people I cannot change,

which is pretty much everyone,

since I’m clearly not you, God.

At least not the last time I checked.

And while you’re at it, God,

please give me the courage

to change what I need to change about myself,

which is frankly a lot, since, once again,

I’m not you, which means I’m not perfect.

It’s better for me to focus on changing myself

than to worry about changing other people,

who, as you’ll no doubt remember me saying,

I can’t change anyway.

Finally, give me the wisdom to just shut up

whenever I think that I’m clearly smarter

than everyone else in the room,

that no one knows what they’re talking about except me,

or that I alone have all the answers.

Basically, God,

grant me the wisdom

to remember that I’m

not you.

Amen
- Fr James Martin

ED

I’m locked in this dungeon, cant break free,

Trapped in my head, with thoughts I hate...

Clawing, scratching, reaching trying to escape,

Emotions building inside me but hidden deep within...

A blank slate on the outside but turmoil underneath,

I’m someone I don’t want to be...

My self is lost, buried and pushed aside,

I locked it away and can't find the key...

(Journal entry June, 2012)

Sad Eyes

Sad eyes tell a story

Buried deep inside

Hidden from the world

Except when you look in her eyes

They’re begging to have the story told

Let the pain out

But no one is looking

(Journal entry 2010)

Mirror

When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

Do you see who you are, or who you want to be?

Do you see all the love filling your world,

Or just see the number that appears on a scale?

Do you look towards the future, to happier days?

Or do regrets of the past hold onto your gaze?

Do you see a warrior standing strong in this war,

Or just a broken down girl, wishing for more?

When you look in the mirror what do you see?

That teary-eyed fighter, getting up, that's me.

I choose to heal

Recover--Natasha Bedingfield

Been torn apart, 

Got so many scratches and scars, 

Maybe they wont all go away,

But they'll fade, 

Maybe time can mend us together.. again. 

Its not what we've done but, how far we've come. 

We will recover 

The worst is over, now. 

All those fires we've been walking through, 

And still we survive, somehow. 

We will recover 

The worst is behind 

And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover. 

Got so much to lose, 

Seems I've lost my power to choose, oh 

What to love and when to let go, 

That all changed, 

Get bitten once and then your afraid 

What a waste, 

Look what we've done, how far we've come.. 

We will recover, 

The worst is over, now. 

All those fires we've been walking through, 

And still we survive, somehow. 

We will recover, 

The worst is behind, 

And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover. 

Everybody's gotta, a reason to cry, 

And everybody fights but, not everyone survives 

And everybody's searching, not everybody finds 

And I'm still in recovery, and I'll make it alive? 

We will recover, 

The worst is over, now. 

All those fires we've been walking through 

And still we survive, somehow. 

30:30:30:10.  Thats the odds. 30% recover completely.  30% partially recover, but will still have periods of relapse.  30% never recover.  And 10% die from their eating disorder.  That's pretty depressing statistics.  Especially in times like these when recovery seems so far away, and impossible to even fathom.  But I don't want to give up my life.  I don't want to compromise my future.  If I give in to the voices of ED, I become just another statistic.  I am more than a number.  I am more than a number on a scale, and more than a statistic on a page.  With each meal, with each day that I say no to ED, I move towards the 30% that DO recover.  "And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover."  In time.  Give it time.  Time heals all.