I choose to heal

Recover--Natasha Bedingfield

Been torn apart, 

Got so many scratches and scars, 

Maybe they wont all go away,

But they'll fade, 

Maybe time can mend us together.. again. 

Its not what we've done but, how far we've come. 

We will recover 

The worst is over, now. 

All those fires we've been walking through, 

And still we survive, somehow. 

We will recover 

The worst is behind 

And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover. 

Got so much to lose, 

Seems I've lost my power to choose, oh 

What to love and when to let go, 

That all changed, 

Get bitten once and then your afraid 

What a waste, 

Look what we've done, how far we've come.. 

We will recover, 

The worst is over, now. 

All those fires we've been walking through, 

And still we survive, somehow. 

We will recover, 

The worst is behind, 

And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover. 

Everybody's gotta, a reason to cry, 

And everybody fights but, not everyone survives 

And everybody's searching, not everybody finds 

And I'm still in recovery, and I'll make it alive? 

We will recover, 

The worst is over, now. 

All those fires we've been walking through 

And still we survive, somehow. 

30:30:30:10.  Thats the odds. 30% recover completely.  30% partially recover, but will still have periods of relapse.  30% never recover.  And 10% die from their eating disorder.  That's pretty depressing statistics.  Especially in times like these when recovery seems so far away, and impossible to even fathom.  But I don't want to give up my life.  I don't want to compromise my future.  If I give in to the voices of ED, I become just another statistic.  I am more than a number.  I am more than a number on a scale, and more than a statistic on a page.  With each meal, with each day that I say no to ED, I move towards the 30% that DO recover.  "And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover."  In time.  Give it time.  Time heals all.

When will it let go?

The Last

Before moving on...

You've gotta learn to stand on your own before you can stand beside someone else.
You've gotta learn to pick yourself up before you reach for someone's hand.
You've gotta learn to say no if you want your yes to have meaning.
You've gotta believe that you are beautiful without being told.
You've gotta have a whole heart before you can give it away.
You've gotta put your trust in God before you can trust another person.
You've got to stop looking before you will find what you are seeking.
You've gotta learn to love yourself before you fall for someone else.
(Journal entry 10/12/12)

Waiting

She's waiting for a word, waiting for a sign,

That she is worth something, worth somebody's time,

And she'll keep waiting, waiting.

She'll put on any mask, she'll play any role,

Just to be needed, she'll even sell her soul,

And she'll keep waiting, waiting.

Where can she turn, where can she go?

Desperate for love, for someone to hold,

But she'll keep waiting, waiting.

No one sees it, no one knows,

That she's just a shell, nobody's home.
And she'll keep waiting, waiting.

She's changed so many times, she's lost her sense of self,

Convinced if someone sees her, she will get it back,

But she's forever waiting, waiting...

(Journal entry 10/3/12)

Beautiful Disaster--Jon McLaughlin

She loves her momma's lemonade

Hates the sounds that goodbyes make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears that there's no difference 

between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough

The pictures that she sees makes her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's giving boys what they want
Tries to act so nonchalant
Afraid to see that she's lost her direction
She never stays the same for long
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection

She's not a drama queen
She doesn't wanna feel this way
Only 17 and tired, yeah

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's just the way she is
But no one's told her that's OK

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home