Declaration of Independence

I declare independence from the tyrannical rule of ED.  

I will no longer be controlled.  

I will no longer be ruled.  

I will no longer be afraid.  

I declare that I will no longer let ED tell me lies about my body.  

I will accept my body and love my body as it is.  

I declare that I will control the aspects of my life that I can and accept when I do not have control.  

I will not let ED trick me into thinking that controlling food gives me control.  

I will not be tricked into believing that the lower my weight, the more control I have.  

I will be assertive about my wants and needs, and not dismiss them.  

I will stand up for myself.  

I declare freedom from ED.  

This is a right I have.

(July 4, 2012)

A little bit stronger--Sara Evans

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

What hurts the most--Rascal Flatts

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most was being so close
And having so much to say and watching you walk away
And never knowing what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most is being so close
And having so much to say and watching you walk away
And never knowing what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Picking up the pieces

Well, Some nights, I wish that this all would end
Cause I could use some friends for a change (Some nights)

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse? (Fix you)

Why don't you stay, I'm up off my knees

I'm so tired of being lonely, you can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go, there is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way, Baby, why don't you stay, yeah (Stay)

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn (Shake it out)

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger (A little bit stronger)

If you only knew how many times I counted
All the words that went wrong

If you only knew how I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew (If you only knew)

I don't know what I'll do to keep from missing you
Try to keep busy and hang with all my friends
But you know id rather be with you instead
No matter how far you go I won't ever forget that kiss
Believe me baby you're the reason that I write songs like this
I don't know what I'll do to keep from missing you (Missing you)

And she says oh I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cause I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best but now she can't win it
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down (Her diamonds)

The end of forever

When you said forever I believed you,

When you whispered I love you I thought it was real.

When you told me I'm beautiful I started to feel it,

But it was a lie, now how do I deal?

You were my companion, my best friend, you saved me,

You taught me to give love another chance.  

But it was a lie and now my heart's shattered,

Was it ever real?  Did you think it would last?

So now I'm the fool, and now I'm alone,

My heart on the floor, broken apart.

Questions unanswered, wondering what happened,

I guess forever isn't as long as I thought.
(Journal entry 9/7/12)